Last year went so quickly and all in all it’s a year I would rather forget, I wasted a lot of my time doing a whole lot of nothing. I got completely lost to my depression and time, at least for that year stood very still. It’s scary how quickly a whole year can pass and yet to you it seems like little time at all. Promising situations lead to dead ends and I got caught up living in a town I would much rather spend little to no time in, I’m still ‘stuck’ here now but I have promised myself that this year my presence here won’t spill over too far. Instead of resolutions I have made promises to myself, promises that I do really intend to keep other wise I will end up burying myself beneath my sheets and waste another year with blame, regret and self pity. I ended the year in a way I probably should of seen predictable with my constant doses of bad luck. I was driving myself to yoga and reflecting on the past year when I suddenly felt a huge sense of loss for someone who was a major part of my life for several years. At this moment I lost control of my car as it struck oil on the road, whilst my car was spinning and spinning I was sure it was about to flip in to oncoming traffic in the other lane, I came to terms with the fact that this was my time and there was no way I would be walking out of here either alive or without serious injuries, I even came to peace with it. My biggest fear has always been to die alone in a car accident, I walked out with minor injuries and though the car was completely written off I couldn’t help but think someone must of been looking out for me that day. I have been pretty selfish and seclusive with my depression and I have seen this as the sign I need to break it, the incident may have been a complete coincidence or it may have been fate. Whatever it was has given me that little bit of a push I needed to break away from it and see things with a clearer head. So having promised myself a year of steady progression, I’ve laid out a few ground rules for myself;
I will get my career back on track and I won’t give in until I have got myself back on a promising pathway no matter how many knock backs try to get in the way of it.
I will get back in to yoga, it does me the world of good and I always feel so much better for going so I don’t know why I put up such a fight to get there. (Car crashes permitted)
This year has started how last year ended and my illness has once again trickled over because of this I have promised myself nothing but good health. I will treat my body as a temple and I will stick to my raw food diet. (A few hiccups here and there never hurt anybody though.)
I have no time for bad people and bad situations. I am sick of playground drama and if you have only ill to speak I have no time for you
. I will learn to like socializing again and I will put myself in situations where I have to meet new people, even though my favorite company will probably always be my own.
I will go to the cinema at least once a week - I’m a total film geek and it sits hand in hand with helping out number four.
I will go and see more live shows, I’m at my happiest seeing bands I love.
I will knit a new jumper every month pushing myself to a higher skill level with each one I produce. I will also make sure I dedicate as much time to sewing as I do knitting I get a little side tracked from one to the other.
I will cross off at least four places on my ‘travel‘ list, one of them being Amsterdam to meet Inanna finally and I WILL get to New York for my birthday.
I will not loose myself in another boy until I learn to love my own company or at least learn to like it a little.
I will become truthful to myself and stop moulding myself to how I think others find me to be acceptable, (it’s this town I swear it kills you). I will get rid of my dull hair and return to being pink, I will get out of this town, I will be happy again.
I learnt last year that life passes you by to quickly to let yourself get forgotten and depressed, it’s too short and from now on I am only looking forward.
